A Retirement Roast In Loving Memory of Quiet Meetings

KEVIN DETSCH
IS STILL TALKING.

15 Years of Awesomeness
▼ Scroll if he ever pauses ▼
By The Numbers

15 Years. Zero Pauses.

The Kevin Detsch Time Ticker™
Updated live · As of right now
Days since Kevin used "real quick" in a meeting
0
days · still at zero
Length of Kevin's current sentence
00:00
mm:ss · and counting
Time since Kevin's last pause
00:00:00
hh:mm:ss · live
5,475
Days of Showing Up
—
Words Spoken in Meetings
—
Times He Said "One More Thing"
—
Cubic Feet of Air Consumed
⚠ Air Remaining in the Conference Room
100%   Kevin just walked in.
Chapter One

The Legend Begins Talking.

Kevin September 1963
Sept 1963 · Future SVP, current diaper situation
September 1963 · Day One
First cry was 11 minutes long.
They say some heroes wear diapers. Kevin's first words were reportedly "let me circle back on that." The nurse needed a snack break. Already booking follow-ups before he could hold up his own head.

A natural.
Kevin age 4
"4 Years" · Already commanding the room (and the birdcage)
Mid-60s · Age 4
Already running the meeting.
Other kids: "can I have a juice box?"
Young Kevin: "Before we get to juice boxes, I want to align on the broader beverage strategy and circle back to napkins as a parallel workstream."

Nap time ran 45 minutes over. Every single day.
Chapter Two

Pittsburgh, Steel, & Springsteen.

Football #64
#64 · Built for contact. Driven by legacy.
Mustache headshot
A natural leader. Also a mustache pioneer.
Talks even more during Steelers games.
We've timed it. The man can deliver a full play-by-play, a tangent about the 1979 Super Bowl, an analogy connecting Mean Joe Greene to managed services, and a quick story about his dad — between snaps.

Pirates loss? Twenty-minute opening monologue at Monday's stand-up.
Pirates win? Forty-minute opening monologue at Monday's stand-up.

Early career stats: 47 floppy disks of meeting notes. One Bruce Springsteen poster. Zero short meetings.

"Terrible Towel was issued at birth. Has never been washed. Will be buried with it."

"Has personally explained the Immaculate Reception to every new hire since 2011."

"Knows the words to every Springsteen B-side. Will sing them. Unprompted."

Born to Talk.

Kevin and Bruce Springsteen at the Stone Pony
Bruce, finally meeting a guy who talks more than he sings.
"All he kept talking about was..."
Fun fact: Bruce wrote Glory Days about a guy he ran into at a bar — a former teammate who, in Bruce's own words, "all he kept talking about" was the old days.

Kevin is that guy. He has always been that guy. He will, retirement notwithstanding, continue to be that guy.

Press play. Let him have his glory days.
SIDE A
ePLUS MEMOREX
GLORY DAYS
Bruce Springsteen · 1984
▶ PRESS TO PLAY
Or open in   Spotify · YouTube
Chapter Three

The Schmooze.

Kevin on stage panel
Middle seat. Center of gravity. Microphone confiscated 3x.
Present Day · ePlus Annuity Services
Closes deals. Closes airspace.
Put Kevin on a panel and he becomes the panel. Moderator: "Quick question for the group —" [Kevin: 14 minutes later]

He walks into a customer dinner. Within four minutes, he knows the waiter's kids' names. By the entrée, the CFO is showing him vacation photos. By dessert, somebody has signed something.

Then he tells the same story he told them last time. And they love it. Again.
Decoder Ring

The Kevin Translator™

What He Says
"Real quick before we wrap…"
➞
What It Means
Cancel your next 3 meetings.
What He Says
"I'll keep this short."
➞
What It Means
Order food. We'll be here a while.
What He Says
"Let me give you a little context…"
➞
What It Means
A 12-minute origin story incoming. Buckle up.
What He Says
"That reminds me of a story…"
➞
What It Means
It does not remind him of a story. He just wants to tell one.
What He Says
"Here's the thing…"
➞
What It Means
There are at least four things.
What He Says
"To Kevin's point…"
— anyone else, ever
➞
What It Means
Kevin is now about to make Kevin's point again. With more conviction.
What He Says
"Bottom line…"
➞
What It Means
We are nowhere near the bottom line.
Chapter Four

Fun, Friends, & Family.

Will wear the hat. Will tell the story.
Hand Kevin a cowboy hat — he wears it. Hand him an axe — he definitely wears that out too. Hand him a microphone — that's the rest of your evening.
Cowboy mustache
Yeehaw. Mustache 2.0. Wife is unfazed.
Nashville bar
Nashville. Tootsie's. Fish-face confirmed.
Axe and beer
Axe in one hand. Beer in the other. Both fully loaded.
Still talking when the lights come up. Still talking on the shuttle home. Still talking in the LinkedIn post the next morning.
Family
The crew that built him up.
Family · Always First
Same energy at home. Same audience. Way more love.
The people who've heard every single one of Kevin's stories the most times — and still smile. That's love. That's loyalty. That's also a lot of patience.

From the team: thank you for sharing him with us for 15 years. We promise he'll be home for dinner now. Probably mid-sentence, but home.
Before We Let Him Go...

The Kevin Awards.
(15 Years. 6 Trophies. Zero Pauses.)

★ Lifetime Achievement
🎤
Most Likely to Still Be Talking After the Q&A Ends
★ Gold Medal
⏱️
Single Longest "Quick Update" in Company History
★ Hall of Fame
💨
Greatest Air Consumption per Calendar Invite
★ Best in Class
🥃
Most Dinners That Ended in a Signed MSA
★ MVP
🏈
Most Steelers References in a Pipeline Review
★ Unanimous Winner
📞
Most Likely to Add 20 Minutes to a 30-Minute Call
The Final Word

KEVIN —
YOU'LL BE MISSED.
(And so will the noise.)

Fifteen years. Countless deals. Endless stories. One legendary mustache era. A whole generation of Annuity Services that learned how to show up, speak up, and follow up — because that's what Kevin did every single day.

You built more than a business. You built the room. You made it louder, warmer, and unmistakably yours. The microphone is officially passed (we tried to take it — you wouldn't let go).

Now go enjoy retirement. Go to the Steelers games. Tell every story twice. Three times. Tell them to people who haven't heard them yet. We'll be here, finally finishing our meetings on time — and quietly missing the noise.

★ One Team · One Legend · Unlimited Awesomeness ★